Are you “shoulding” all over yourself? The word “Should” happens to be one of the most insidious in the English language. In today’s episode, we talk about how:
- Psychoanalyst Karen Horney called “The Tyranny of the Should” this tendency to create an idealized self and a rejection of the real self.
- Albert Ellis spoke about the three kinds of “musts.”
- Using the word “should” is conveying criticism, like “scolding” oneself (or others).
- The value statements implied by that word are arbitrary and relative.
- The laws of Nature do not follow any “should,” but instead are what they are, and we don’t get a vote.
Practice
- Rephrasing — replacing “should” with “is” or “does” or “I would prefer it if…”
- Reattribution — considering the alternative causes of events and behaviors.
- Positive Reframing — acknowledging that Should Statements come out of a very good place in you, that they reflect positive attributes and values, and that there is a helpful side to holding those beliefs.
See Also
- The Tyranny of the Should, by Karen Horney
- The Three Major “Musts”, by Albert Ellis
- shall (v.), the Online Etymology Dictionary
Peace at Last! 
Hello Fabrice, I want to congratulate you on your podcast. I really love it, it`s an awesome teaching tool. I know you from the Feeling Good podcast. I always thought that your comments were very pertinent and many times it seemed that you were guessing our doubts, and you clarified them! 🙂
I`m Portuguese (sorry about any errors on my writing!) and I`m a military veterinary from the Portuguese Army. I always loved psychology and I just finished a course on Transformational Coaching.
I found very interesting the idea of Testing before and after the terapy sessions and, since you are also a coach, my question is:
Do you also do the Testing before and after your Coaching sessions? If yes, is the survey the same of the one you use on the terapy sessions?
I thank you in advance and wish you all the sucess and peace in live! 🙂
Best Regards,
Ana Teresa Silva
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I love the parable about the farmer and the horses.
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